Expecting the ex to feel the same as we do, to be in the same emotional place, or even expecting to be able to communicate about uncomfortable issues at all - much less as adults - can be dangerous to our self esteem if it is forced too early after a breakup. It can prolong the recovery and moving-on period, even create a worse personal setback, all caused by unfulfilled expectations, whether it's focused on ourselves or others.
It’s hard not to value a past relationship too highly when still in pain about that very thing and that very person. It's so hard to let go. Does it mean this time and energy and love was for nothing? Am I a failure? Am I so terrible a person who cannot love or be loved? We all ask these questions during relationship changes, usually putting most of the blame on ourselves for somehow lacking something - expectations of ourselves once again. If I do xyz and the other person sees this, surely they will realize what I think they should realize ie I'm worthy of their love. Again, expectations for the other person based on expectations of the self.
If you want eventually to be friends with your ex someday, do keep communication open, but try to be as unavailable as possible for a while as it’s less confusing, and you’re both probably lonely at times, which can lead to unintentional intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, there are many other ways we connect to someone:
(1)whether it’s chatting at least once a day on the phone (expecting the call, but one day it doesn’t come… then what? what did you expect? you’re broken up, remember - at least conveniently for the ex after you boosted his/her self esteem and cleared their conscious enough to move on) or (2)whether it’s intimacy in meeting for the initial post-breakup dinner and dressing and fussing like it’s your first date or (3)whether it’s running into each other as friends and perhaps things go so well you get carried away, etc etc.
(And that brings sEXpectations into the post-breakup topic... to be addressed soon!)
Expecting the couple-ness to continue where it left off, rationalizing about a fresh start, or too much thinking, "what if… ?" are likely all expecting far too much during the tender time that we should spend focusing on ourselves and simply reflecting.
Then again, maybe meeting with the ex means it will be obvious immediately that this is the right decision, and you remember why you broke up and are glad to move on after some closure.
That’s how I usually end those disappointing meetings (cue the expectations leading to disappointment), which have become fewer and farther apart now with my ex thankfully! But it's still hard not to expect the other person to fall exactly into a certain role because that's what you need from them. I have a hard time reconciling the fact that my breakup experience is not their breakup experience, just as I have an even harder time realizing my relationship with this person was not their relationship to me.
How confusing. How frustrating.
ANSWER: WHO KNOWS? EX-pectations are big question marks, and ones that start with ourselves. I guess try to be a (.) or a (!) instead of a (?) during the breakup process and dealing after with the ex. And leave the (....) or "if only" EX-pectations behind!
